I don’t object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make sure they are still going – William Norman Birkett, speaker.

A speech that’s full of sparkling wit will keep its hearers grinning
Provided that the end of it iIs close to the beginning – anonymous.

Competition

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down – Collis P. Huntington, 19th Century railroad tycoon.

Each morning when the sun comes up, the gazelle awakes and knows that it must outrun the fastest lion or be eaten. When the sun comes up, the lion also wakes and knows that it must outrun the slowest gazelle, or starve. In the end, it doesn’t really matter whether you are a gazelle or a lion. When the sun comes up, you had better be running – East African saying.

There is less to fear from outside competition than from inside inefficiency, discourtesy and bad service – W.R. Schick, consultant.

Education

There are two educations. One should teach us how to make a living and the other how to live – John Truslow Adams.

Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave – Lord Brougham, speech, House of Commons, 1928.

Executive Wisdom

If you can’t convince them, confuse them – Harry Truman.

In 1928, Calvin Coolidge issued his famous “I do not choose to run” statement. Afterwards, he was besieged by reporters wanting more information.“Exactly why don’t you want to be President again?” asked one. “Because,” replied Coolidge, “there’s no chance for advancement.

Coolidge, famous for his terseness, was once at a dinner party, when the society matron seated next to him addressed him. “Mr. Coolidge, I bet my husband I could get you to say more than two words during the evening.” “You lose,” said Coolidge.

When Dwight D. Eisenhower first took over as President of Columbia University after WWII, an official came to him with a complaint. “Sir,” he said, “the students are ruining the grass on the quadrangle by cutting across it. We’ve got to do something.” “Why are they cutting across?” Eisenhower asked. “Because it’s the shortest way to classes,” replied the functionary. “Then put a path there,” said Ike.

In the early ‘30s, President Herbert Hoover lamented to his predecessor, Calvin Coolidge, that his attempts to promote economic recovery seemed to be having little impact, and that his critics were becoming increasingly angry. “You can’t expect to see calves running in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows,” said Coolidge.“No,” answered Hoover, “but I would at least expect to see contented cows.”

President William Howard Taft was an enormous man, weighing more than 300 pounds. While introducing the President to an audience, Senator Chauncey Depew pointed to the President’s huge stomach and said, “He’s pregnant (pause) … with courage.” The audience laughed loudly.
Still pointing to Taft’s stomach, Senator Depew added, “He’s pregnant (pause) … with integrity.” The audience again erupted in laughter.
Then President Taft came to the podium, put his hands on his huge belly, and said, “If the baby is a girl, I will call her ‘courage.’ If it’s a boy, I will call him ‘integrity.’ But if it’s gas, as I suspect it is, I will call it Chauncey Depew.”

Genius

In the faculty of writing nonsense, stupidity is no match for genius – Walter Bagehot, English journalist.

Stupidity differs from genius only in that stupidity has no limits – unk.

Happiness

It was revealed to me many years ago with conclusive certainty that I was a fool and that I had always been a fool. Since then I have been as happy as any man as a right to be – Alistair Sim, English actor.

Hearing

A man who was practically stone deaf went to his doctor. The doctor told him that if he went on the wagon, his hearing would improve. The man tried it and it worked. One day, though, the doctor ran into the man and it was clear that he was loaded. The doctor couldn’t help asking why the man had gone back to the bottle.“Simple, Doc,” said the man. I liked what I was drinkin’ a whole lot better than what I was hearin’.”

Knowledge

Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless…knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful – Samuel Johnson.

Knowledge is the only instrument of production that is not subject to diminishing returns – J.M. Clark, economist.

There is no knowledge that is not power – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers – Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Life

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards – Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher.

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill.

Points of View

A young man was working at a canoe rental place on a lake. It was his job to monitor the length of time the canoes had been out, and bring them in when their time was up. One day he spotted a canoe way out in the lake that had been out a long time. He grabbed his bullhorn, and called out, “Number 61, your time is up, come on in.” No reply, so he called again, more insistently, “Number 61, come on in now.” Still no reply. He yelled out, “Number 61, come in this minute or I’ll charge you extra.”
At this point the boss walked up, and asked what was happening.
“I’ve been calling canoe number 61 and they won’t answer,” explained the youth. The boss grabbed the bullhorn. “There is no number 61. Number 19, are you in trouble out there?

Nerves

I get very nervous in front of audiences. I once rehearsed for two weeks just to deliver a silent prayer.

Pragmatism

If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains, many of us will die of cholera – John Rich, 17th century English adventurer and spy.

Putdowns

Author and wit Dorothy Parker and the formidable beauty Claire Booth Luce once arrived at a doorway at the same time. “Age before beauty,” said Luce, indicating that Parker should precede her. “Pearls before swine,” replied Parker, marching in first.

Another Algonquin Roundtable wit, Robert Benchley, once left a posh New York nightclub considerably the worse for the evening’s activities. Spotting a uniformed gentleman at the curb, he said, “My good man, call me a cab.” “Sir, I am an Admiral in the United States Navy,” replied the offended salt.“Alright then,” said Benchley, “call me a battleship.”

Benchley was once sent to Venice on assignment. He cabled back to his editor, “Streets full of water. Please advise.

Research

Before you build a better mousetrap, it helps to know if there are any mice out there – Mortimer Zuckerman.

I just invent, then wait until man comes around to needing what I’ve invented – R. Buckminster Fuller.

Salesmanship

A man was walking along the street in Naples, Italy, when he encountered a street vendor. The vendor ran alongside him for three blocks, trying to sell him a plastic crucifix that glowed in the dark. Finally, just to get rid of him, the man said, “I’m an atheist.”
The vendor didn’t miss a beat. He said, “For you, half price.”

Speeches

Let thy speech be better than silence, or be silent – Dionysius the Elder, Tyrant of Syracuse, 383 b.c.

Statistics

He uses statistics the way a drunken man uses a lamppost – for support rather than illumination – Wilson Mizner, author.

Success
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much – Mrs. A.J. Stanley.

‘Tis not in mortals to command success. But we’ll do more, Sempronius. We’ll deserve it – Joseph Addison, English poet, in his play “Cato.”

Success has ruined many a man – Benjamin Franklin.

Winning and Losing

Gene Autry, fabled singing cowboy, was the long-time owner of the also-ran California Angels baseball team. He once summed up his attitude toward winning by saying, “Grantland Rice, the great sportswriter, once said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.’ Well, Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.

Tom Seaver, Hall of Fame pitcher: There are two places in this league, first place and no place.

Red Sanders, college football coach: The only thing worse than losing…is to be lying out in the desert alone with your back broke. Either way, nobody ever finds out about you.

Bear Bryant, legendary Alabama football coach: If somebody has to be the winningest coach, it might as well be me.